Identity, Purpose and Community in Retirement

One year ago today, I began a huge transition in my life. After 39 years as a pastor in the local church, in obedience to the call of God, I transitioned from being a pastor to serving as a leadership coach for pastors, missionaries and seminary students. We celebrated this at the church I served as my “retirement.” And it was. I laid down my role and the responsibilities of shepherding a congregation on August 31, 2023, and took up a new role with new responsibilities on September 1, 2023. In terms of my pace, I tell people regularly that “I went from fifth gear to fourth gear.” So, for 12 months, I have been living at a slower speed in retirement from pastoral ministry and along the way, I have learned a few lessons.

A few weeks ago, I read a Harvard Business Review article called “Why People Resist Retirement.” In a summary of the brilliant article, the author, Teresa M. Amabile, writes: “Research suggests making the decision to retire means grappling with three psychological issues. First, identity issues can loom large for any deeply engaged professional. Even a small step away from a career can make a person wonder who they are without it. Second, many older professionals resist leaving meaningful work. And third is the dread of losing the strong relationships that accumulate over the course of a long, successful career. New research suggests that leaders who develop an accurate awareness of who they really are and what their job really demands of them are much better equipped to overcome the psychological barriers to retirement.” Dr. Amabile writes that retirement challenges a person’s identity, purpose and community wellbeing. Remember that she writes this based on real research. This is not just a reflection. Data verified her findings. Let me now reflect (not do research) on these three psychological issues in light of my year long experience of retirement from local church leadership.

Identity in Retirement

It is very true that leaving my role as the Lead Pastor at Grace Church challenged my sense of identity. I was called into the ministry when I was 19 years old listening to a totally forgettable lecture by a Physics professor at Valencia Community College in Orlando, Florida. The whisper of the Spirit that day was, “Jorge, what brings you joy?” My response was automatic. “Helping teach the eighth grade Sunday School class.” And with that, I collected my books, put them in my backpack and left the College class never to return. A few months later, I was enrolled at Asbury College, now Asbury University, for the third of my freshman years of college. Yes, I was that child! The trajectory of my calling points back to that moment in that classroom and God’s invitation to joyful service. For 39 years, I worked as a local church Pastor. First, I served as a Youth Pastor at Trinity Hill United Methodist Church in Lexington, Kentucky from 1984 to 1988. This place and these people really confirmed my call to ministry. Then, I became an Associate Pastor at First United Methodist Church in Kissimmee, Florida from 1988 to 1992 and got introduced to the typical responsibilities of pastoring; preaching, teaching Bible studies, visiting in the hospitals and leading meetings. From 1992 to 1996, I was privileged to serve as an Executive Pastor at Christ Church in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. These four years become my “Leadership University” where I learned the complexities of leading a large church.

The last of my pastoral responsibilities was at Grace Church in Cape Coral, Florida. On September 1, 1996, I began a 27 year long, joyful adventure of loving, learning and leading there. It was the greatest honor of my life to serve the people and the community for this season of my life. Amid this joyful service, my identity got ensnared in my work. At 36, more than I cared to admit, the wellbeing of my church and the wellbeing of my life were enmeshed. Sadly, much of the time, the number of butts in the chairs and dollars in the bank determined how I felt about myself. So, in days of plenty, Jorge was good and in days of lack, not so much. Along the way, in ways too numerous to name, God has lovingly challenged and begun to heal this in me. In 2019 when God supernaturally called me to my new ministry of leadership coaching, I learned that my main work in the next four years of the transition to my retirement from pastoring would require what is known as “self-differentiation.” Pastor Wes Olds, the Lead Pastor who succeeded me at Grace Church, has written about this in his fantastic book, “Confronting the Thief Within.” Self-differentiation means I know where I end and other people, including Grace Church, begin. In the four years of our succession plan, my main work was getting my inner world in order. You observe this capacity to stay close and yet not be enmeshed in Jesus. He was a master at this vital skill of emotional health. Pastor Wes describes it as a “superpower” and I have found the same. 

In essence, I had to grow in my identity as a follower of Jesus. My work over the four years of the leadership handoff to Pastor Wes was mostly done with my covenant groups, Leadership Coach, Spiritual Director and Therapist. In these “spaces,” the “space” between Jorge and Grace Church lengthened. This has nothing to do with my love and appreciation for the people of Grace Church. It has everything with me living as Pastor Wes champions, as a COGPOW; child of God, person of worth. My primary identity is that I am “the beloved of God” and not “Pastor.” This work I am grateful and humbled to say has borne fruit in my life. Case in point is that in August after 11 months away, I returned to Grace Church as a worshipper. For the first time since 1984, Cheryl and I drove to church together! My return to our church family has been wonderful, but more importantly for me, I have been able to worship God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength freed from any unhealthy attachments to my previous role as Pastor. To God be the glory! My simple conclusion on Dr. Amabile’s research about loss of identity in retirement is “Yes, this is true, but for the Christ follower, we have an identity that supersedes our vocational roles and responsibilities.”

Purpose in Retirement

Dr. Amabile suggests that the second psychological challenge for retirees is a loss of purpose or mission. She wrote: “…many older professionals resist leaving meaningful work, where each day brings a sense of purpose, contribution to something that matters, and progress toward important goals – especially if they lack a clear sense of what’s next. Several of our interviewees used phrases like “leaping into the void” or “jumping off a cliff.” My casual observations of the women and men who have gone before me into retirement, especially my clergy friends are that the research is accurate. A few months back, I was stunned to read a social media post from a retired Pastor I know who simply and sadly wrote, “I hate retirement. I have no purpose.” I whispered a prayer for my colleague that day. And I get it.

I have argued that it is not the amount of time that people in ministry must put in that is the problem. Ministry like most professions has ebbs and flows. Advent/Christmas and Holy Week/Easter are “crazy busy.” Those were the days when I would say to Cheryl, “I promise, I’ll make it up later.” As I write this, school has just begun and all my educator friends including my wife have been “crazy busy” getting ready for students to return. Educators, small business owners and grocery store managers work lots of hours. Those in ministry don’t have a corner on that market.

What makes ministry taxing is not “the work,” but “the weight.” This, one could argue, is the differentiator. On their best days, Pastors deeply care for the people they lead. They heed the words of Peter in 1 Peter 5:2-3 (NIV): “Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.” When Pastors get it right, they carry “the weight” of caring and watching over the people in their flock. Good pastors seek to be women and men of integrity. They are “eager to serve” and work at modeling the message they preach. This is “the weight” Pastors bear.

Years ago, as I was reading Paul’s Second Letter to Corinthians, I made a new observation that helped me understand this “weight” that Pastors have. In chapter 11 of this letter, Paul addresses false teachers whom he describes as those whom he feared led them “…astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ” (11:3b). Later in this same chapter, Paul pulls out his resume and basically says, “Let’s compare theirs to mine.” Then Paul litanies off all the suffering he has endured for the sake of the Gospel and the list is quite impressive; hard work, imprisonment, flogging, near-death experiences, beatings, and list goes on and on (11:23-27). It’s a painfully remarkable list of hardships. Quite frankly, it’s difficult for a comfortable, North American Pastor to relate to. But it’s the last thing Paul writes in his litanies of hardships that comfortable American Pastors today can identify with. In 2 Corinthians 11:28 (NIV), he writes, “Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.”  This is the “weight” a Pastor bears. It’s the daily concern for spiritual well-being of the people in their care. In Galatians 4:19 (NIV), Paul describes the deep angst he endures to see followers of Jesus mature in the faith. “My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you…”  This is unique to the pastoral calling. This one, on our best days, is our mission, our purpose. And in retirement, this “weight” is lifted. Now what?

In my yearlong journey away from pastoral ministry, I can affirm this loss of purpose. Many friends have asked me what I miss about being a Pastor. I can say that there are many things I do not miss, but that’s for another blog. What I do miss is what I call “the fight.” I miss sitting in a conference room with my trusted, much-loved colleagues wrestling with ministry challenges together. I miss the spirit of innovation and experimentation that is palpable in our work together to make more and maturing disciples of Jesus. In essence, I miss “the weight.” So, I understand and would validate by experience, Dr, Amabile’s findings.

But don’t rush past her little caveat in the quote above describing the loss of purpose in retirement: “…especially if they lack a clear sense of what’s next.” In 2019 sitting in an Anglican Church in London, England, God supernaturally called me into a new adventure. You can read about it here. I was called “to something,” not just “from something.” The “secret” of addressing this retirement pothole for me has been stepping into my “what’s next.” I cannot begin to tell you the new joy of being a walk alongside partner to more than 30 pastors, missionaries and seminary students. They are women and men; young, middle aged and older; Anglo, Asian and Islander; in denominations and non-denominational. But they all want to get better at both the art and science of walking with God and serving him in ministry. My “what’s next” has helped me transition from a job I deeply loved and cherished to a new opportunity that I equally love and cherish. I am not “enduring” retirement. I am thriving in it. Or, as I have heard said since the earliest days of my walk with Jesus, “There is no retirement in the Kingdom of God.” Whether you are a Pastor or not, there is always a mission to serve. This is our common purpose as followers of Jesus.

Community in Retirement

Dr. Amabile wrote that “The third big psychological issue is dread of losing the strong relationships that accumulate over the course of a long, successful career. Such relationships often carry a heady sense of being needed and respected by hundreds, thousands, even millions of people.” This “heady sense of being needed” is very true for Pastors. Ours is a caring profession right up there with teachers, nurses and social workers. Our “products” in these professions is not making a widget or offering a service, but people. I’ve unscientifically calculated that 80% of my pastoral ministry was about the hard things of life like divorce, addictions, relationship crises, trauma, medical challenges and financial trials. The invitation to walk with people through these painful but sacred seasons of life creates the “heady sense of being needed” for Pastors.

But it also creates a false sense of community. Let me carefully explain. When I was 40 years old and in my fourth year as the Lead Pastor at Grace Church, I was invited to spend the day with a Christian businessman and a recently retired Pastor of a megachurch. The Pastor had planted and served his church for 30 years and when he retired handed off a healthy church with 3000 people in worship and remarkably in small groups to a new Lead Pastor. One of the 12 Pastors at the gathering asked the retired Pastor a question. “What have you learned in retirement?” Without any guile or bitterness, the Pastor carefully responded, “Ministry gave me the illusion of friendship.” Then he went on to explain that he had wrongly assumed that the 3000 people who attended his church were his “friends.” But the day he retired, their allegiance transferred to his successor, and he added, “As it should be.” Remember this wise, mature Pastor was not angry about this reality. Some of the crowd were indeed his friends, but most were not. As their Pastor, he appropriately served an important role and the day he retired that role and responsibility ended.

One-year post-retirement, I can witness to the truth of this illusion of friendship dynamic for Pastors. I am grateful that 24 years ago, God allowed me to hear this wisdom from this seasoned Pastor. It helped me begin the work at rightsizing my importance. Tongue in cheek, I would tell my Pastor friends, “Remember someday, you’ll be a picture in a photo album and the person will be saying to their friends, ‘What was the name of that Pastor who baptized me?’” As a Pastor, I serve a sacred role in people’s lives, but ultimately, my job is to help them grow as an apprentice of Jesus. Keeping this straight has helped me.

I would add that alongside missing “the fight,” I also miss the team of fantastic men and women I served with on the staff of Grace Church for 27 years. From Elaine to Pastor Wes, we served God, the people of Grace Church and Lee County and over countless hours, we planned, dreamed, hoped, cried, prayed and worshipped together. I do not think Dr. Amabile is using hyperbole when she describes the loss of community as “dread.”

Let me share one final thought about this loss of community in retirement. One of the things I could not predict about this new experience is how the removal of “the weight” would free up space and energy for investing in my relationship with God, my most important community of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I am a morning person by temperament. My best hours are from 6:00 am until noon. My mind is clearer. My focus is better. I purposed that beginning September 1, 2023, I would reorder my schedule to prioritize my relationship with God and my self-care. I carved out 90 minutes every morning for what I call “Eremos.” “Eremos” is the Greek word for “wilderness.” Wilderness was the place Jesus often went to be with his Father. “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16 NIV). In these 90 minutes, I write in my journal, read and reflect on scripture and read books that help me grow as a follower of Jesus. Then I set aside an hour for exercise. The results have been that my intimacy with God has increased, and I’ve lost 30 pounds! I often ask the women and men I coach, “How is it with your soul?” and follow up with “Are you sensing God’s presence and hearing God’s voice in your life?” For me, retirement has been a space for me to grow in my relationship with God, so I sense his presence and hear his voice more.

Secondly, it has also been a season for me to grow in my relationship with the people that mean the most to me, my family. Cheryl and I have vacationed more, but we also spend more time together in our day-to-day life in our beautiful Southwest Florida home. This summer, my two sons, Daniel and Nathan, and I traveled to Estes Park and Rocky Mountain National Park for four days of reconnection while we hiked trails, rode ATV’s and ate together. This was reclaimed time with my adult sons. The release of “the weight” has given me opportunity to spend more time with my amazing mother-in-law, Nancy who lives here in Lee County. Two to three times a week, I fix dinner for Cheryl and her mother. This is a sacred privilege. I also have been able to travel to Orlando more to be with my 97-year-old Mom and recently deceased Dad. I’ve also had more space to invest in those handful of what some call “your intimates,” that handful of lifelong friends. My covenant group of 30 plus years and a cohort of pastors in the Sanctification Network have been relationships that despite my title and role being different, our relationships are the same. One of the most important relationships in my life is with my Pastor, Wes Olds. Our friendship extends more than 40 years and through many phases. Today, he is not only my Pastor, but my dear friend. We talk regularly about things beyond ministry roles and responsibilities. It has been rich. Frankly, when I was pastoring, these kinds of investment of time were scarce. These kinds of community have more than filled the gap for me in retirement.

Conclusion

I can testify to Dr. Amabile’s research about the loss of identify, purpose and mission in retirement. But as a follower of Jesus, we have an identity in Christ, a purpose for Christ and a community of Christ that the status of our vocation cannot take away. I haven’t gotten it all right in the 12 months since laying down “the weight,” but by God’s grace and the help of dear friends, I got a lot of it right. Let me close by making a few recommendations for anyone approaching retirement.

First, don’t let retirement sneak up on you. Plan for this new, exciting and trying season of your life. At Grace Church, we knew that it would not be good for the church, Pastor Wes or me for me just to walk away on August 31, 2023. We needed a long exit ramp. Our succession plan was four years long. There were a ton of technical work that we did in the years before the hand off, but for me as the one retiring, I can testify that I needed four years to prepare myself for the loss of identity, purpose and community that retirement ushered into my life.

Second, get some trusted and gifted helpers as you walk this part of your life journey. In his book “Tempered Resilience,” Tod Bolsinger suggests that all spiritual leaders need “…either psychological therapy, coaching, spiritual direction, or mentoring…” I found that in this unique, life-altering season of life, I needed all four! Dr. Amabile is correct about the psychological losses in retirement. David, Craig, Laura and countless mentors helped me across the finish line at Grace Church as a pastor and into a new arena of identity, purpose and mission as a leadership coach.

The day I walked out of that classroom at Valencia Community College, and began the adventure of pastoral ministry, I chose to take a different road. A similar thing has happened in the last year. It is a different road for sure, but my journey with God, myself, and other people continue. So does my purpose on this earth. I often preached, if you’re not dead you’re not done. This new road is a new opportunity to discover God’s presence that is unchanging even though the roads may be different. I’ll be close with this familiar poem by Robert Frost called “The Road Not Taken”:

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Retirement can be a journey down the less traveled road and can be filled with new identity, new purpose and new mission. Let’s take it!